mrbarmaster

How do hurricanes see?

With one eye!

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?

Thunderwear!

What type of lightning likes to play sports?

Ball lightning!

What type of cloud is so lazy, because it will never get up?

Fog!

What did the lightning bolt say to the other lightning bolt?

You’re shocking!

Whatever happened to the cow that was lifted into the air by the tornado?

Udder disaster!

What did the one tornado say to the other?

Let’s twist again like we did last summer.

What did the thermometer say to the other thermometer?

You make my temperature rise.

What happens when fog lifts in California?

UCLA!

What’s the difference between a horse and the weather?

One is reined up and the other rains down.

What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?

My plop is bigger than your plop.

Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?

Because she expected some change in the weather.

 

What type of lightning likes to play sports?

Ball lightning.

What’s the difference between weather and climate?

You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?

You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.  

What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?

Foul (fowl) weather.

What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?

I have my eye on you.

How do you find out the weather when you’re on vacation?

Go outside and look up.

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy,
“Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The cowboy groaned but
didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up
from there, I’m going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just
groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned
with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the
cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop
surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s
you’re name?”

“Sam,” the cowboy moaned.

“Where ya from, Sam?”

With pain in his voice Sam replied… “the balcony.”

A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he gets back to his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke. The broken glass carved up his rear end terribly, but he was so drunk he didn’t know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was laying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
“Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”
“I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”
“A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You were plastered last night – where’d you go?”
“What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?” “Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.”

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. “I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday…”

“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”